Meg Ryan, you've got fail

During the 1980s and 90s, Meg Ryan was the queen of rom-coms. She was the luminous star of When Harry Met Sally, Youve Got Mail and Sleepless in Seattle, all of which are synonymous with the cozy genre.

During the 1980s and ’90s, Meg Ryan was the queen of rom-coms. 

She was the luminous star of “When Harry Met Sally,” “You’ve Got Mail” and “Sleepless in Seattle,” all of which are synonymous with the cozy genre.

movie review

WHAT HAPPENS LATER

Running time: 105 minutes. <br>Rated R (language, some sexual references and brief drug use). <br>In theaters Nov. 3.

But after experiencing Ryan’s romantic comedy directing debut, “What Happens Later,” one must ask: Did she ever watch any of them? 

Perhaps when those deserved hits premiered, she held court in the lobby instead. Because, unlike the actress’ greatest triumphs, Ryan’s new movie slowly and awkwardly lumbers along like it’s the AOL dial-up hiss. 

Here’s some of the brain-scrambling dialogue that Ryan, also a writer, drummed up with Steven Dietz and Kirk Lynn.

“It’s Leap Day!,” her character Willa proclaims after reuniting with ex-boyfriend Bill (David Duchovny) after 25 years in an unspecified regional airport during a blizzard. “It’s a magical day, and things like this happen.”

Bad things like “What Happens Later” and the detestable romantic comedy “Leap Year” starring Amy Adams.

David Duchovny and Meg Ryan are exes stranded in an airport in “What Happens Later.” Stefania Rosini

Similarly to 2010’s “Leap Year,” which also involved flights, storms, fate and tedium, “What Happens Later” uses Leap Day, a k a Feb. 29, as the mystical justification for why bizarre phenomena keep happening in the terminal. 

Besides the duo’s unlikely run-in and subsequent plane delays, there’s an omnipresent announcer who seems to be speaking only to them, saying “look up” or making cheesy remarks about “missed connections.” Several flights are grounded yet there’s hardly anyone else at the airport. The bar is empty — no way — and they smoke pot there.   

Willa and Bill, who were born with the same last name and cloyingly call each other W. Davis, have the same opposites-attract dynamic as Mulder and Scully of “The X-Files,” except this time it’s Duchovny who’s the cold skeptic.

“I worry about everything,” he admits with laughable vagueness. “I worry about what’s gonna happen. I worry about what’s not gonna happen.”

“What Happens Later” is Ryan’s first time directing a romantic comedy. Stefania Rosini

And then there’s Willa, who lugs a rainstick around and is a massage therapist/wannabe self-help guru. “Are you on a trip or a journey?,” she asks Bill, clarifying that a trip is “trying to reach a destination” whereas a journey is aiming for “a goal.”   

As speedily as a cross-country Amtrak, we learn where the pair are flying to, what their lives are like now and the many reasons for their breakup years ago in Madison, Wisconsin. 

So. Many. Reasons.

To fill the time between the film’s 40 or so climaxes, the two dully debate modern music, the pros and cons of the internet and cats. At one point when Willa’s phone charger stops working, she announces, “I am officially a woman with no power!”

A lot of this is typical rom-com fare. The genre is not boundary-pushing and that’s perfectly fine — ideal even. But Ryan doesn’t have the sparkle and fizz as a director to make this lacking material sing. 

Ryan and Duchovny play Willa and Bill, the film’s only characters. Stefania Rosini

Drab, grayscale shots of a man and woman sitting at the gate are not my idea of a good time, especially when underscored by David Boman’s sappy Hallmark movie music. 

Ryan, whose heyday was in her 20s and 30s, has said she wanted to make a romantic comedy about older people.

Good for her. But much better examples of that already exist, like “It’s Complicated” with Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin or “Something’s Gotta Give” with Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton, both directed by Nancy Meyers. Even the recent “Trouble in Paradise,” with Julia Roberts and George Clooney, has the slightest edge on this one. Unlike “What Happens Later,” they were fun.  

For what it’s worth, Ryan and Duchovny aren’t bad. They provide more mature versions of the personalities we know and love, and it’s always good to see them. However, they’re also unusually stiff and mannered.

Even when they start to let loose, the situation stays as joyless as, well, being stranded in an airport.  

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